Ted DeMaine

Humorous

The Public Servant.

He was a dedicated public servant,
A nine to five perverted human frog,
Another bureaucratic little Hitler,
Who’s rule did cover man and dog,
His ignorant approach to human persons,
Made him the toast of city hall,
He could not only trample little children,
The king the biggest bastard of the all,

Saying can you, can you, can you, can’t you,
Maybe yes, maybe yes, maybe no
Perhaps, but then again I can’t tell you,
Try tomorrow or the next day, or just go

His power was so incrediblistic
For at the top he had the ear of the P.M.,
So moving all the way down the adder,
The venom of his fangs was deadly on.
He was the master of evasive action,
Saying, keep them waiting in the street,
Denying any claim for compensation,
To the sick the maimed the weak.

He’d say can you, can you, can you, can’t you,
Maybe yes, maybe yes, maybe no,
Perhaps, then again I can’t tell you,
Try tomorrow or the next day or just go.

He sat so smug behind his metal table,
His family in a frame for all to see,
A saccharin smile to say he was a good guy,
But I felt no compassion there for me.
He’d say sorry mate; I’m not a heartless person,
I’m not a bad bloke, please believe it’s true,
I’ve got a heart and care for those around me,
Then he’d look around for someone else to screw.

He’d say can you, can you, can you, can’t you.
Maybe yes, maybe yes, maybe no,
Perhaps then again I can’t tell you,
Try tomorrow or the next day or just go.

As they lay him in his grave of shredded paper,
Red tape around his coffin bound,
The mourners cried, so sorrowfully,
Whilst on the inside they were laughing very loud,
His epitaph, his fellows then did write him,
They hung it pride of place upon the wall,
It said he was a dedicated public servant,
He was the biggest bastard of us all.

America Awake!!!

America awake!!! the salesman said,
We can freeze you when dead,
Put you in a metal tube,
Every month you get a lube,
You’re in there with thousands more,
In a great big freezer store.
They say they’ll wake you up some day,
All you have to do is pay,
It will only cost a ten thousand bucks,
They take for granted you’re all schmucks,
Children ask where go I when I die?
Why to the ice box, its just close by,
So book yourself a metal tube,
Because every month you get a lube,
And when Gabriel blows his horn,
It will be your turn to be reborn
The salesman says there’s no mistake
God will shout America Awake!!!

The Dog & the Magpie.

The magpie strutted calling Tee-Wit-Car.

The dog replied with a dreadful roar.

Come and get me you earth bound hound,

Causing the canine to leap and bound.

The magpie sits up on the gate,

Laughing at the dog in such a state,

The dog lunges like a splendid steed,

Magpie leave’s with rapid speed,

Landing eating the dogs food,

Dogs reaction, very rude.

He returned outsmarted once more,

Causing the bird to hastily withdraw.

As the dog finished of his dinner,

The bird once again was the winner.

For dogs are clumsy and can only bark,

But this magpie could outwit a shark.

Steady and Reddy

Politicians were Steady and Reddy,
To fight to the last drop of bread,
Steady said Reddy’s a neddy,
Reddy said Steady’s a Fred.

They fought on the fields of falsehood,
With speech and rostrum in hand,
Steady said Reddy your beaten.
Said Red, not with out my brass band.

They fought on and on down to London,
Each spending ten million pounds,
Reddy was riding his pushbike,
Steady was riding to hound.

The fight was waged with such fury,
Money was flying so fast,
But one of them had to buried,
For one of them had to come last.

The battle was reaching crescendo,
Excitement was at fever pitch,
The mud slinging had only just started,
Yet both were deep in the ditch.

This conflict cannot last forever,
Soon they both must choose,
That government is for all people,
Disenfranchised and weak should not loose.

Cleopatra

If Cleopatra had been a scouse,
Living in a Mersey house,
Have you ever thought?
Witch team would she support,
Would see be a true blue girl,
Giving Everton a whirl,
Or would she shouting Liverpool,
Thinking that the reds were cool,
But then she would say its only ideal chatter,
Manchester United is the team that matters..

And it came to pass, the 3% with all the money in the world said.
God is righteous, and money is good.
We are righteous for God has given us all the money.
For we are good, and we have all the machines.
We don’t need you to work for us any more.
Your just messing the place up, Armageddon has come.
We’ve got to be economically and ecologically rational about this.
So Piss Off and PUFF the world as we new it was gone.

Manchester Fundamental.

I remember days ago,
When I was six or maybe seven.
Days short nights long,
Winter cold wet foggy bleak.
Kids in halloed street lamp light,
Kick a tin shout, laugh,fight.

Down the lane, up the road,
In the darkness very bold.
Ah! Noise breaks the night,
Not a thing to give one fright,
Shouting, clapping, tambourine.
It is the sound of the Tabernacle.

There they go scruffy kids,
Snotty nosed and full of lip.
Marching through the open door,
Purposely stamping on floor.
Standing on uplifted stage,
Man in black mouthing rage.

Drab proletariat comes to life,
From hell, fire, fear, and smite.
Beating hands upon their thighs,
Stand turn jump with fiery eyes.
Kids laughing play the fool,
Reveling in broken rules.

End comes time to go,
To the night has come the snow,
Boys jump, catch a flake,
But it melts in their wake.
Abuse a man that watches night,
Run laughing singing out of sight.

To the door, shout farewell.
Inside Mother playing hell,
Chastised for being late,
Or! But Mam, I’m nearly eight.
Where have you been you little rascal?
Singing hallelujah! At the Tabernacle.

Media Mega Star.

Hooray for Ray Australians say, our number one TV presenter today.

As he looks out at us from the screen, other presenters are awfully green.
.With envy that is.

On the ninth of September, I do well remember, that day in 98 when he
Said stop wait.
.
We’re of to the supermarket to have a debate.

With the prices today we are going to play, filling the trolley in every which
Way.

We’ll fill it with groceries fruit, veg, and meat. Then push it around to see if
all is sweet.

Well we got to the counter and adding machine. Do you know it was just
Like a dream.

A hundred &forty seven dollars was spent, my goodness I wonder where
All that money went.

AH!!.

But now in we factor the G.S.T. said Ray people depend on the truth from
Sweet me.

The store manager factored in this & then that, & said “well I’ll be,”
I’ll just eat my hat.

The cash register rattled the total popped out. One hundred & forty nine
Dollars, there was no doubt.

OH! Can this be real, can this be true, the difference is a teeny weenie
Factor of two.

Two dollars that is two dollars more, when you shop at my wonderful
Store.

The shopper said well, I’m really surprised, what’s happened today in
Front of my eyes,

I thought my bill would be fifteen bucks more, & fainted. right there in a
heap on the floor.

Well said Ray isn’t that good, the Governments figures seem to hold up.

Two percent is what they say, prices will rise on a G.S.T. day.

Now I didn’t see Ray, I must tell you that. Quite frankly I think he’s bit of
sprat.

But for six long weeks in the morning I sat, reading my local paper
which was advertising that.

Media monolith Mr. Ray Smart-in thought it was good G.S.T. was starting.

Now just two days before it was time to vote, my radio station asked me
To note.

That good old Ray was saying today, he wasn’t endorsing it no bloody
Way.

He said some story had gotten around, that he & the government had
Common ground.

Well now Ray you ask me to believe that you could have been so bloody
Naive.

When political adverts infer to say, Mr. Media Mega star is thinking our
Way.

Not just one add., two three or four but repeated in thousands & possibly
More.

Strewth then Ray what can one say your boss who loathes slackers says
he voted that Way.

But then who cares what Mega stars sprout they didn’t put GST on food
in any amount.

Mega Stars may think they are important dudes but politicians don’t care
who they use.

Uncle Henry.

Uncle Henrys dead,
He died in his bed,
Not from nothing serious,
Just from lack of breath.

He didn’t die of cancer,
He didn’t die of warts.
He didn’t die hooping cough,
He died of dirty thoughts.

Third verse same as the first.

He went out drinking Wednesday,
With Uncle Albert Jones,
Someone gave him marijuana,
And he did a Rolling stones.

Thursday he went courting,
Out with Nellie Bligh,
But when he tried to kiss her,
She punched him in the fly.

Sixth verse same as the first.

He went dancing Friday,
At the hippodrome,
Anunty Mary kicked him,
To death when he got home.

The moral to this story,
Is when a loved one go’s,
Get him buried quickly,
Because Henrys on the nose.

Humorous

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